Friday, October 28, 2005 @ 1:29 AM
aye.. how i hate rainy night.. it really dampened the mood..
Dad threw away the vase shijia gave me on my 20th bdae.. that vase was really a sweet surprise ..she brought it to my work place with a sunflower in it.. n now.. in a split second its gone.. cling clang down the chute.. made my dae feeling even worst..
as yanting's ken said.. i'm clinically depressed.. does it mean i'l recover if i find professional help? i cant go on being so pessimistic and unhappy about Life.. friends are gradually thinkin i'm such a bore, goin out with a stoned boring face.. even my parents dont even bother to talk to me with the sulking face i brought home..
browsed the webby juz now to find help.. at least i'm making an effort..
but I mean.. seriously.. what i did to deserve all these i'm experiencing now? Why me?
a place called 'home' where our only interactions are quarreling and shouting.. a place where ur-next-to-kin hold a chopper under ur neck or slam the room door whenever u walked passed.. the last place on earth u forcefully go back to after a long dae..
some people chuckle when talked abt siew lian..
'ayee that blur one'
'the quarrelsome hot tempered one'
'aiya she's always so sensitive.. cannot even take joke..not fun one'
yes i admit.. my temper is killing everyone..i longed for more attention from friends.. i'm ultra sensitive.. like a wrg move n i'l shiver and scream at u.. yes.. thats how i react to many people.. but many failed to understan how i feel.. i cant help it.. being an only child and not close to my parents.. i tend to rely so much on my friends.. ...
i met new people practically everydae.. acquaintances.. some people envy how big my circle of friends is.. but so what? jus tell me.. where are they when u needed them?
for yrs.. only a few stayed on as true friends.. people who understan me well enough to tolerate my temper..people who grow used to havin an unhappy friend ard..who enjoyed being my consulatant whenever i'm depressed..
i encounter the worst thing at a friend's chalet yest.. someone who i thought to be a close friend threw mattress infront of me n asked me to sleep on the sofa when there's two available bed.. i mean.. not that i mind sleeping on the sofa.. but at that point of time.. everyone was leavin to acc nana home.. only nic was sleepin on one bed.. theres stil one bed available n everyone was leaving the chalet for awhile mind u..( i was instructed to acc nic in the room so she wouldnt wake up findin herself alone n feeling scare.. ) imagine.. the 'someone' switched off the tv (saying its loud n glaring cos nic was sleeping) n threw the mattress at me n ask me to sleep the sofa.. off the light and prepare to go.. like i'm the maid.. i'm not sleepy yet i cant watch tv i cant rest on the available bed.. WTH.. of cos.. given my character.. i stomped off.. now say.. am i wrg to throw my temper? $#^~@($^(@.. yes.. i'm stil wrong.. they said i'm mad..whatever..
my life is so meaningless dontcha agree?
family needless to say.. no one will be happy in my situation.. yes i'm learning to love my mom more.. but no matter how close i want to be to my mom.. theres stil this wall which i cant get thru..
friends.. i've been thru disappointment aft disappointment.. gossips betrayal backstabbers..theres so many ppl i haven meet for so long.. no one bother to find the time anymore.. even i dont know is who is my closest friends anymore.. i dare not categorised anymore..
relationship.. chuckle.. i'm so sure i'm being cursed.. whenever i develop feelings for the person.. he'l b gone the next week.. cool ah.. reason: i still have feelings for my ex. i met 2.. i had ENOUGH.. lies after lies.. one empty promises aft another.. why do guys like to bluudder off without going thru their head? one even suggested i become a lesbian since i want care and concern from him n he dont think he can giv me as much as a gal can give.. FARK.
and one sweet talk all the way n one dae juz suddenli disappear.. giving explanation sayin cos i dont wana be dependent on him so he dont tink we shd mit as often..BULLsh**..
guy friends if ure reading this.. jus stop lying to ya gals even if its white lies..as lil harm as possible..
sch.. hur.. who will tell u they chose to come SIM?
i'm 21.. nothin is goin wad i planned.. what is there for me to pursue? i'm so pessimistic i dont even dare to dream.. for i fear my dream will shutter..
with no dream & goal in life.. what's the meaning of MY life?
isnt it better i end it sooner? life will stil goes on for everyone.. my parents have less burden..they hate me so much that they took the first move to want me dead anyway.. my friends can stop tolerating my mood swings.. n i myself can be less bothered.. see.. i justified enough that sucide is stil the best way out.. i'm not patient and strong enough to go thru the rest of the torment.. scold me for all u want.. but i'm stil just siew lian.. the thought will always be there..
.. for those who chuckle aft readin this.. sorry.. ure cursed..
cos i really am farking depressed n insane..! argh
no one can understan..
