Saturday, October 29, 2005 @ 12:17 AM

......Going Crazy......Getting Sleepy...... says:
Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
......Going Crazy......Getting Sleepy...... says:
That's what Christopher Robin Said to Pooh
......Going Crazy......Getting Sleepy...... says:
u must remember tat too

an old sc sch friend said this to me over msn..i suspect shes my angel sent down doing these influential mission at the right time.. she always suddenli appear and said the right words which are carved into my mind.. when i experiencing my first heart-break.. and when i gotten my A's.. thanks..

yes.. to some.. they dont understan why a not-so-close friend manage to touch my heart.. 'who is ard you all the time when ure down?' true.. of cos i appreciate those that's always there to listen to me whenever i'm down.. but sometimes.. someone comes ard n said the right word at the right time and u rem that incident for life.. its not whether my priority in friends is wrong.. understand not..

yt been 'screaming' at me for not blogging abt her bdae.. she's abit affected.. but on my side.. i'm really juz so not in the mood to blog abt it.. its the first time out with tim for like.. umm.. 7 mths.. furthermore i've yet to receive her bdae photos..
is it really such a big hoo-ha or show to everyone how close a friend is just by having an entry abt her bdae? i mean true.. can imagine how damn delighted one'l be if u found a blog dedicated for ur bdae.. but really sorry.. u shd know i'm not in my best of mood lately..n not best of health now..

ayee.. i know yt is disappointed in me.. even if she dont say it..i am disappointed in myself too.. i guess she just expect i'l did something really sweet like what viv n sheryl did.. but it's just not me.. i'm not a sweet friend to start off with.. considering the num of times we have misunderstandings.. she is damn lucky already.. no one bothers abt my bdae aft my celebration anw..

when theres expectation, along came disappointment - weiping

..fever, flu, sore throat.. like how sick i am & i'm stil up...
argh.. hope i'l get beta tmr..

Friday, October 28, 2005 @ 1:29 AM

aye.. how i hate rainy night.. it really dampened the mood..

Dad threw away the vase shijia gave me on my 20th bdae.. that vase was really a sweet surprise ..she brought it to my work place with a sunflower in it.. n now.. in a split second its gone.. cling clang down the chute.. made my dae feeling even worst..

as yanting's ken said.. i'm clinically depressed.. does it mean i'l recover if i find professional help? i cant go on being so pessimistic and unhappy about Life.. friends are gradually thinkin i'm such a bore, goin out with a stoned boring face.. even my parents dont even bother to talk to me with the sulking face i brought home..

browsed the webby juz now to find help.. at least i'm making an effort..

but I mean.. seriously.. what i did to deserve all these i'm experiencing now? Why me?

a place called 'home' where our only interactions are quarreling and shouting.. a place where ur-next-to-kin hold a chopper under ur neck or slam the room door whenever u walked passed.. the last place on earth u forcefully go back to after a long dae..

some people chuckle when talked abt siew lian..
'ayee that blur one'
'the quarrelsome hot tempered one'
'aiya she's always so sensitive.. cannot even take joke..not fun one'

yes i admit.. my temper is killing everyone..i longed for more attention from friends.. i'm ultra sensitive.. like a wrg move n i'l shiver and scream at u.. yes.. thats how i react to many people.. but many failed to understan how i feel.. i cant help it.. being an only child and not close to my parents.. i tend to rely so much on my friends.. ...

i met new people practically everydae.. acquaintances.. some people envy how big my circle of friends is.. but so what? jus tell me.. where are they when u needed them?
for yrs.. only a few stayed on as true friends.. people who understan me well enough to tolerate my temper..people who grow used to havin an unhappy friend ard..who enjoyed being my consulatant whenever i'm depressed..

i encounter the worst thing at a friend's chalet yest.. someone who i thought to be a close friend threw mattress infront of me n asked me to sleep on the sofa when there's two available bed.. i mean.. not that i mind sleeping on the sofa.. but at that point of time.. everyone was leavin to acc nana home.. only nic was sleepin on one bed.. theres stil one bed available n everyone was leaving the chalet for awhile mind u..( i was instructed to acc nic in the room so she wouldnt wake up findin herself alone n feeling scare.. ) imagine.. the 'someone' switched off the tv (saying its loud n glaring cos nic was sleeping) n threw the mattress at me n ask me to sleep the sofa.. off the light and prepare to go.. like i'm the maid.. i'm not sleepy yet i cant watch tv i cant rest on the available bed.. WTH.. of cos.. given my character.. i stomped off.. now say.. am i wrg to throw my temper? $#^~@($^(@.. yes.. i'm stil wrong.. they said i'm mad..whatever..

my life is so meaningless dontcha agree?
family needless to say.. no one will be happy in my situation.. yes i'm learning to love my mom more.. but no matter how close i want to be to my mom.. theres stil this wall which i cant get thru..

friends.. i've been thru disappointment aft disappointment.. gossips betrayal backstabbers..theres so many ppl i haven meet for so long.. no one bother to find the time anymore.. even i dont know is who is my closest friends anymore.. i dare not categorised anymore..

relationship.. chuckle.. i'm so sure i'm being cursed.. whenever i develop feelings for the person.. he'l b gone the next week.. cool ah.. reason: i still have feelings for my ex. i met 2.. i had ENOUGH.. lies after lies.. one empty promises aft another.. why do guys like to bluudder off without going thru their head? one even suggested i become a lesbian since i want care and concern from him n he dont think he can giv me as much as a gal can give.. FARK.
and one sweet talk all the way n one dae juz suddenli disappear.. giving explanation sayin cos i dont wana be dependent on him so he dont tink we shd mit as often..BULLsh**..

guy friends if ure reading this.. jus stop lying to ya gals even if its white lies..as lil harm as possible..

sch.. hur.. who will tell u they chose to come SIM?

i'm 21.. nothin is goin wad i planned.. what is there for me to pursue? i'm so pessimistic i dont even dare to dream.. for i fear my dream will shutter..

with no dream & goal in life.. what's the meaning of MY life?

isnt it better i end it sooner? life will stil goes on for everyone.. my parents have less burden..they hate me so much that they took the first move to want me dead anyway.. my friends can stop tolerating my mood swings.. n i myself can be less bothered.. see.. i justified enough that sucide is stil the best way out.. i'm not patient and strong enough to go thru the rest of the torment.. scold me for all u want.. but i'm stil just siew lian.. the thought will always be there..

.. for those who chuckle aft readin this.. sorry.. ure cursed..
cos i really am farking depressed n insane..! argh

no one can understan..

Tuesday, October 25, 2005 @ 4:05 AM

I tot i found happiness then.. but all r just another empty dream a naive person like me dare to think of..

Why promise things you will never do? Why even bother to ask?

Why do evil people exist?

Thursday, October 20, 2005 @ 4:53 AM

《暧昧》

到底该卟哭泣

想太多是我还是祢

我很卟服气也开始怀疑

眼前啲人是不是同一个真实啲祢

暧昧永远受尽委屈

找卟到想爱啲证据

何时该前进何时该放弃

连拥抱都没勇气

暧昧让人变得贪心

直到等待失去意义

无奈嚄和祢写卟出结局

放遗憾的美丽

停在这里

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 @ 1:31 AM

Went to Kusu Island with mama todae... kinda like a small adventure for me.. cos as far as i can rem.. the last time i went there is like when i'm 6? somemore its been ages since i last went out with mama..

We went bugis Guan ying miao pray first before headin towards Clifford pier.. guess how much is the ferry tics??!?! 10 bucks for adult.. ex ah..

mama on ferry..

lotsa lotsa tortoises...!!!

walkin up the hill to Datuk temple..tiring!

tryin very hard to take Singapore's scenery behind us.. obviously we failed heh

Dua Bei Gong's temple..

me n mama chose the upper deck outdoor seats of the ferry back... the wind the sea.. relax rejuvenating..... wana so much to go on a resort holiday soooon..

arghh... all my cryin lead to eyes infection.. bloody sianz.. gona b in specs in lect the whole wk!.. wad a lesson learnt..

Monday, October 17, 2005 @ 3:27 AM

aahh..... came across my spastic foto frm CH's frensta.. didnt realize it looks so crazy

@ 2:55 AM

Arghhhh i hate rainy dae........ ..aimlessly repeated this track..

Flake
Jack Johnson

I know she said it's alright
But you can make it up next time
I know she knows it's not right
There ain't no use in lying
Maybe she thinks I know something
Maybe maybe she thinks its fine
Maybe she knows something I don't
I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down

I know she loves the sunrise
No longer sees it with her sleeping eyes
And I know that when she said she's gonna try
Well it might not work because of other ties and
I know she usually has some other ties
And I wouldn't want to break 'em, nah, I wouldn't want to break 'em
Maybe she'll help me to untie this but
Until then well, I'm gonna have to lie too

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down
It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go

The harder that you try baby, the further you'll fall
Even with all the money in the whole wide world
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me
Please please please don't pass me by

Everything you know about me now baby you gonna have to change
You gonna have to call it by a brand new name
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

Just like a tree down by the water baby I shall not move
Even after all the silly things you do
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

Sunday, October 16, 2005 @ 4:31 AM

Just returned hme frm Sean's bdae.. dead tired.. but i MUST blog down my fabulous saturday!.. it'd been so long since i feel happy...!

Went to catch Beyond's live story concert with Nana, Sebas & Tony todae.. Beyond's dammmnnn good.. thou i'm not their #1 fan.. i'm impressed! ye shi rong (drumer) is so charming!!
'oh paraparadise......ahhhhhh....' (oki...i admit...this is one of their few songs that i understan & can sing..heh) damn high frm the concert.. not to mention my aching hand frm swingin our 2 for $5 lightsticks.. & stressful moment when we found out shortie boss was sitting juz 3 row below us!!

try to spot Beyond!

me & nana stil feeling high frm the concert!

Went down to Sean manager's bdae at Shenton way party world aft the concert.. VIP room.. & many ppl came.. lotsa drinks beer martell wine.. bla bla bla... it looked more like a gambling den rather den a ktc session..haha but still..everyone is havin fun..!

took lotsa silly pics... predicted we're all high oredi..haha

yunlong me caihong thomas

ahhh.. stupid tony.....

hiak hiak hiak...

nicoleee......

& of cos..... yiting...

yawn! time to TRY dream of subaru again..

*all pics taken in courtesy of my wonderful k750i*

Friday, October 14, 2005 @ 4:10 AM

My night ended lovely..

Luffably enjoyable ktv session with my precious colleagues..
reached town @ 11pm from hme.. surprisingly tony ended work earli & daniel came down too.. 5 of us got tgr again.. it'd been like how long since all of us are present..
mr mike showed me his infamous (literally) small book of secret.. & i forced him to create a chapter for me.. 27/8 drink drunk drank - 08/10 peter pan

Really appreciate their presence for these past weeks..

..i wish we'l remain as it is..

Thursday, October 13, 2005 @ 12:54 AM

i'm freeeeaaaakkkkinn tired...... as in literally tired of life..
i have no sense of direction where i'm heading........ or rather.. i dun even noe wad i wan to do now........ stonez at lect.. stonez at work.. juz no mood for anything..

Wake up go sch find ppl out come hme msn zzz...Wake up go work supper come hme zzz..

becoming a disgusting routine that i'm so sick of.. the best part of the week is often the chill out time with yiting they all aft work.. but still.. one conflict dae with them will affect me the WHOLE wk.. guess this show how much they meant to me.. but i doubt any of them can understand.. ... mayb.. to them i'm just an outsider.. ...... who noes

did a whole lot of thinking lately..
& it juz makes me more depressed.. wtf..

-Friends are either too busy over projs/bfs or dont even bother to reply my calls/sms..

-Daddy stil refuses to talk to me nicely.. always show that grumpy face & leave the rm if i walked in.. like aloooooo? wad did i do wrg..? Do u noe how demoralise ur OWN daughter is feeling now?

-I stil cant get over wad just happened.. i know i must get over fast & pick myself up again.. but i cant find the courage to do it.. i'm so afraid i'l leave the memories behind.. like he already did..

i'm so so tired of everything.. i just wana strike 4D & pack everything & leave Singapore.. when will i get the life i want?..... am i patient enough to wait for my dream come true?

i miss the dae we mit in our dreams.. we just started on Japan you know.. nowhere else anymore

she's been behind me silently.. thanks.. i learn to treat you better

Thursday, October 06, 2005 @ 1:44 AM

I opened my eyes todae & my heart felt like it'd been stabbed a thousand times in my sleep..
reached over my bedside and checked my phone. No msg. faint
Depression alarm sounded once again.. there i go again..

23 min aft i woke.. phone rang
He called..
dont really wanna go into detail of the conversation.. but its nothin good nor bad..

did nothin other than lying on bed and hug my bolster & stare into ceiling ..stoned.
manage to drag myself outta bed 3.5 hrs later to grab a bite.. ahhh.. fresh air

watched Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind.. wonderful sad show.. finali found the vcd version aft searching for 1+ yrs.. its remorseful why people choose to erase their sad memories.. why go thru the process all over again & got it erased?

went to catch April Snow at night.. some sony ericsson free tics given by yiting.. & i mean FREE.. if not i wouldnt bother to getta hse to catch such film.. its one of the suckiest film i watched.. the most anticipated korean movie in 2005..my ass.. the storyline is stupid in a nutshell.. i guess ppl juz watched it for the sake of bei yon jun..

met yiting tony nicole & mike aft that.. juz being with them always manage to cheer me up.. thou lil' conflicts now & then.. they are the ppl who bring joy to work.. haha.. thou i'm always such a lil whiny trouble.. went punggol & ate nasi lemak.. saw a damn cute bear doggy.. tony manage to send all of us hme todae.. how 'kind' finali... hahaah

decided i shdnt fall further.. shall live life to the fullest & have a slow death from smokin.. at least better than my forever sucidal thoughts wad..

2 sticks